Understanding Boundaries: Releasing the Pressure
The word "boundaries" has been buzzing around a lot in recent years. It’s become a mantra for empowerment and self-care: “Set boundaries!” “Don’t let them treat you like that!” “You need a healthy boundary!” Sounds great, doesn’t it? Who wouldn’t want to feel respected and in control of their own life? Why is it that boundaries are becoming so important to well being and healthy choices?
Firstly, if you’ve grown up in an environment where boundaries weren’t taught, supported or respected, the whole concept can feel overwhelming. So how do you start creating a boundary that you’ve never had? How do you feel emotionally safe trying something new? It might be you’re great at setting boundaries in one area of your life, like work (you never stay late unless paid, you always take your full lunch hour), but struggle when it comes to friends, family, or relationships (you always go to the restaurants your friends pick, even if you don’t like them; you always say yes to your partner’s plans, even when you’re exhausted).
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Let’s break it down together—what are boundaries, why are they so important, and how can you begin setting them in a way that feels empowering, not scary.
What Are Boundaries, Really?
At their core, boundaries are about limits. They’re the lines that define what you’re willing to give to others—emotionally, socially and physically, and what you’re not. They’re there to help you feel safe, respected, and in control of your life. You might be feeling resentful towards someone and have no idea why, or you might think you know why but can’t figure out how to change it. Boundaries are a key to help you manage resentment, because if you overstep your own boundary often, you best believe resentment will build, and resentment is the killer of joy…yikes!
Some boundaries are easier to recognise and maintain than others. For example, physical boundaries are often clear-cut because society supports them. If a coworker slaps you at work, it’s universally understood that they’ve crossed a line—and legal consequences may back you up.
But emotional boundaries? Those can be much harder to define, let alone enforce. That’s because emotional boundaries are shaped by the environment we grew up in. If your caregivers taught you that your feelings weren’t as important as theirs, or that saying “no” was selfish, you might struggle to even recognise when someone is crossing a line, let alone be able to address it.
How Do Boundaries Start?
Boundaries often start with a feeling. Maybe you feel uncomfortable, resentful, drained or exhausted. These feelings are your internal alarm bells, signaling that something isn’t right.
From that feeling, you move into action:
I think: “I’m always saying yes to my friend’s plans, even when I’m exhausted.”
I feel: “I’m starting to resent them, and I don’t feel good about myself.”
I choose: “Next time they suggest something, I’ll let them know I need a night to recharge.”
It’s not always easy, especially at first. But the key is learning to listen to your feelings and act on them in a way that prioritises your well-being.
What Happens When You Set a Boundary?
Setting a boundary with someone who isn’t used to it can feel intimidating. Let’s say you’ve always gone along with what your friend or family wants—whether it’s picking the restaurant or rearranging your schedule to accommodate them. One day, you decide to say, “Actually, I’d prefer to meet somewhere closer to my house this time.”
How might they react?
They might respect it and agree.
They might push back, questioning why you’re suddenly being “difficult.”
They might even feel hurt or pull away.
Here’s the hard truth: not everyone will respond well to your boundaries, especially if they’ve benefited from you not having any. But that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. In fact, it’s a sign that your boundaries are working—they’re protecting your energy and making space for healthier, more balanced relationships. We also can’t really blame anyone for getting confused as you start to make shifts in your responses, or that they had accepted your seemingly carefree nature (wow, they’re laid back, they’re always happy to go to the place I choose, or re-arrange), they might have not fully considered the impact, and that’s O.K. This isn’t about building resentment towards them, more about not abandoning your needs to meet someone else’s.
So - taking this step might feel strange and uncomfortable, changing things often does;
I think: “If I say no they may not like me.”
I feel: “I’m scared I’ll have no friends and feel lonely.”
I choose: “To sit in the discomfort of this feeling and see how it goes.”
And that is the key to change, because being able to be curious about your own responses to the change, and feel uncomfortable make the changes will eventually help you understand what you need to feel at peace, and to build balanced resilient relationships, with yourself and others.
Why People-Pleasing Isn’t the Answer
If you’re a people-pleaser (this is a blog post topic for another time but for now read people pleaser as someone who goes above and beyond to make other people happy, even abandoning their own needs to meet others), the idea of setting boundaries can feel terrifying. You might worry about upsetting others or being seen as selfish. But here’s the thing: constantly saying “yes” at the expense of your own well-being doesn’t make relationships stronger—it makes them one-sided.
When you learn to say no, to meet your needs, and to prioritise your own well-being, you’re not only protecting yourself—you’re also showing others how to treat you. And the relationships that truly matter? They’ll grow stronger, not weaker, as a result.
Ready to Learn Healthy Boundaries?
Creating and maintaining boundaries isn’t something most of us are taught—but it’s something we can all learn. Therapy can be an amazing place to start. Together, we can explore:
If and why boundaries feel hard for you.
How your past may have shaped your current patterns.
Practical steps to start setting boundaries in a way that feels safe and sustainable.
If you’re ready to stop people-pleasing and start living a life that feels more balanced, let’s talk. Together, we’ll figure out how to create boundaries that work for you—so you can feel more empowered, more respected, and more in control of your life.
